Over the years I have come across a fair few subs, switches, Doms in subs clothing and folk who just don’t know what they are or are stuck in limbo. To Me, the challenge of kinky life doesn’t come from placing Oneself in a certain box, chucking away the key and remaining there forever. The real challenge is being aware of yourself, recognising when you have evolved and having the courage to accept this and change path if necessary. It’s about continually finding ways to be happy with you in whichever form this takes. Even if it means being vanilla for a while. That’s ok. I am always open to talking things through with subs who have doubts and giving them honest feedback but there is only so much I can do and I am not a mind reader.
It is not the place of anyone to tell you what you are, only you can know this. But, quite importantly, it is also not the responsibility of anyone but you to recognise this or at least have the discussion and to follow another path if need be. There is absolutely nothing but strength in making this decision and the alternative can be pretty unappealing to E/everyone involved. Eg getting annoyed at your Domme or topping from the bottom because you are confused about where you lie on the BDSM spectrum helps no-one, least of all you. Not every Domme is perfect, I get this but If you do these things with a reasonable Domme who does look after your needs and is open to discussion then you need to question if subbing really is for you or if you are in fact a switch or a kinkster?
If you find yourself increasingly topping from the bottom for no apparent reason then perhaps you need to take some time away and regroup? Perhaps you are a switch when you previously identified as sub? This can be confusing and seem like failure in your role as a sub but it’s not. It’s evolution. It happens. Perhaps you don’t fit into any box (prime example are masochists – just because you like pain doesn’t automatically make you a sub. Being a sub is a mindset. Pain is a sensation.) and need to stop trying to force yourself into one? With BDSM, as the old saying goes – It’s like a fart so if you have to force it, it’s usually shit.
Why put yourself through the hassle of doing so? Who are you appeasing and what fun is it to be someone you are not just to fit in? If you ask for certain things and your Mistress goes to the trouble of planning this out only to spend the session continually fighting back against your Mistress, then unless this is part of agreed play or She enjoys this aspect all you will do is exasperate your Superior and break down the relationship. No-one wins in this type of scenario.
Conversely, every D/s relationship starts somewhere but if you genuinely are submissive but you find you are still doing this way down the line because you feel you can’t trust your Domme to conduct the session properly then this failure to relinquish control is likely down to a lack of proper communication and connection. Perhaps you need to express your needs more explicitly? Or perhaps you need to value and find a Domme who values pre and after care as much as session time so as to avoid this? To some, it seems a waste of time to spend 5 mins chatting at the start, perhaps more, but this can make all the difference between having an excellent or a mediocre session and will allow you to settle into your role and give up that tasty control. This is the only way to evolve your relationship. Open, honest communication.
In any case, talk this over with your Domme, let Her know know how you are feeling and why you feel the need to push back or cause trouble or be incessantly demanding during sessions. If you have done your research and found yourself a good Mistress who is understanding and genuine in Her intentions She will listen and be able to advise on how to deal with these feelings and behaviour. Staying quiet, passive aggressive behaviour or consistently acting out during sessions are not an option.
Anyway, this was just some thoughts I have had floating around lately. I’m happy to session with subs, switches or kinksters – I just need to know who I’m dealing with beforehand so I can tailor sessions to suit.
Love, Megara xxx