Safe, Sane, Consensual…
Safe sex. Consent. Extreme porn. Terms I have heard bandied about the radio, internet and news of recent stressing the need for people, young and old, to start taking notice of copulating safely, gaining explicit prior consent and in which way is it ok to spice up your private, personal bedroom activities. Recent changes in the law regarding gaining proof of consent and whose responsibility it is to prove what in rape cases would have one believe this is a relatively new thing… It used to be the norm to just get drunk, get in a taxi, fall into bed with whatshisname and hope for the best that everyone had good clean(ish) fun and off to the clinic for a morning after pill. Or, at the other end of the scale, we come home from work to a nice meal cooked by our other half, watch a little TV and without a word it’s upstairs for some routine, predictable heave ho before one of us rolls off and goes to sleep. That’s the normal person’s way, right? And by the way, I am not knocking it. Not at all. Whatever you are happy with is absolutely fine by me.
Us dirty kinksters however, we like to have long, detailed chats about what we both want from our relationship and how we can move forward together and develop our mutual interests to keep each other smiling and happy. We like to build on scenes of play (we use the terms scene and play because of the depth, the planning, the intricate considerations for detail and the engagement involved akin to planning a live production) and we are keen to hear about and fulfill each others desires without compromising our own intrinsic limits. And we do have limits. We have moveable boundaries which we will be willing to push and we have hard limits which are protected by a forcefield built by a long history of open, honest communication, mutually planned scenarios and Trust. We gain express consent from our partner before any play takes place, we also consider beforehand, whether we also consent to carrying out our partner’s wishes. Crazy, huh?
We think about safety. What would we do if XYZ happened? What is the worst case scenario and how do we anticipate and respond to this? Are there any risks of infection or cross contamination? Do we require a no touch method or aseptic technique when handling certain items? How do we clean up/dispose of/store items once finished?
We think about sanity. Is the person we are with mentally and physically capable of even consenting before we ask for, gain and accept that consent? How experienced is the person? Should we tone things down at first? If we are causing any pain ie duringa corporal punishment scene, is this because we both enjoy it or because we just want to selfishly hurt another person (the latter is not a part of kink by the way… Just so you know)? Are we providing an adequate warm up for the endorphin rush to kick in so our partner can acclimatize and enjoy?
We think about CONSENT. Do I, willfully, without coercion or doubt, agree to participate? Does my partner (or partners…) willfully, without coercion or doubt, agree to participate?
These three things unperpin all that we do so wherever we get our ideas from, or whatever extreme activities we choose to participate in does not matter. We have carefully planned, we have spoken in detail, we have given express consent and this is what has built up our trust.
I’m sorry if this bursts your ‘normal’ 50 shades bubble but when you grab your popcorn and sit on your plastic covered seat waiting to be enthralled by Christian’s domineering nature please look out for these things… But please, unless it’s part of your kinky cinema play, don’t hold your breath. And, before you judge us weirdo kinksters, please ask yourself if you have ever taken the time to put in the communicative and preparatory effort we have before jumping into bed with another person. You both deserve the consideration and it will protect your physical and emotional state in the long run.