So recently I was asked to attend Sexpression:UK’s 2015 conference at Saint Andrew’s University to give a presentation on pleasure from a Kink perspective.
As I’m sure some of you are aware, I am extremely focused on removing the social stigma from Kink and this gave Me an excellent platform from which to do this. I strongly believe that by teaching O/our principles and being quite vocal regarding consent, communication, appropriate boundary setting and trust between players, this will inevitably let the ‘nilla world know how responsible, caring and safe W/we are and how well W/we look after O/our minds and bodies and those of the people W/we play with.
Fear of the unknown is a major part of what leads to Kinksters being negatively labelled. For the most part, W/we don’t like to talk about it publicly. Why should W/we though? Y/your kinks are a special, unique and private part of your life which should only ever be shared when you wish this info to be shared. However, what W/we can talk about as a group is consent, communication, boundaries – basically SSC and how it underpins what W/we do as kinksters.
Just as the Sane part of SSC requires in depth explanation to make something like heavy Corporal Punishment suddenly acceptable (IE once endorphins, adrenalin, euphoria, headspace and aftercare are mentioned it doesn’t seem half as bad as saying ‘I like to be struck till I’m bruised and bleeding) Kink is seen to be a bad word to some. W/we as a community can turn this around. It will require some acceptance on O/our part (yes, I have seen the snobbery coming from the Kink world too which isolates those who genuinely wish to learn but are too new or inexperienced…) and it will require some dynamic thinking and the willingness to use the word Kink and not make it weird.
Let Me give you and example… At the end of My presentation I asked the audience if they believed they were kinky… I got some appalled looks, some embarrassed chuckles and some inquisitive smiles… A mixed reaction if ever I saw one. I had four headings on the board which people would recognise as kinky and proceeded to explain each one in Vanilla terms.
‘Chastity – how many of you have ever used sex as a reward or witheld sex as a punishment? Well – that is a form of chastity so guess what? You’re kinky’
‘Bondage – who has ever had their hands pinned or legs put over their head or done this to someone else thus restricting their movement? This is a form of bondage so I’m afraid to say – you’re kinky!’
‘Tease and Denial – Who has ever chased someone playing hard to get or played that role themselves? This is a form of psychological Tease and Denial so I think you know where I’m going with this… Kinky!’
‘Cosplay – who has ever dressed up and played a role or had someone do the same? Well guess what? Us kinksters are greedy with terms and you are in fact, kinky!’
When faced with these explanations, I saw expressions change to excitement, realisation, acceptance and in some cases, surprise. After the talk I knew I had taken a step in the right direction as I had one lovely fellow come to Me and say ‘so this means I’m totally kinky? Yes! I’m kinky!’ I can’t describe how elated I felt knowing I had gotten through to people and shed such a positive light on Kink.
Another part I covered was the stigma attached to the perceived brutality of O/our play time. I went through, in detail, the different roles adopted by Kinksters and how widely varied play was but, most importantly, how every single session, scene and role is planned out, talked about, agreed upon and requires express consent from both parties. Something which vanilla couples rarely do before jumping into bed. Yet another surprising point for My audience to learn about kink and I saw a couple look at each other knowingly and with a glint in their eye that told Me they could not wait to get home to ‘talk’.
In summary, I believe that the Vanilla world which was in front of Me learned something from Kink on Saturday and now have a new appreciation for how W/we have been getting it so right for so long and how they can definitely learn some from Kink world.
In fact though, Why am I even separating the two? We are one and the same, right?
If anyone would like a copy of My presentation, please email Me on firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank Y/you for reading
Love, Megara x